Hogwarts Staff Meeting
by FloweredEnchantment
Summary: What do you think really happens when all the Hogwarts teachers get together? Why, remarks about hair, mice, and pajamas. Of course, craziness insues!


A/N: Let's just presume this take place before Dumbledore dies, because I really wanted him to be in this fic, and Snape too. Enjoy!

_**The Hogwarts Staff Room, with (coincidentally enough) the Hogwarts Staff. **_

Everyone: (chats aimlessly)

Dumbledore: (Is sitting at the head of the table. He stands up, and bangs a large gavel rapidly.) Hello! Can we please come to order!?

Everyone: (Still talking)

Dumbledore: Hello? Please?

Everyone: (Still talking)

Dumbledore: I AM TRYING TO CALL THIS DAMN STAFF MEETING TO ORDER!!! NOW SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP!!!!!!!!

Everyone: (Sits down quickly, and stares up at Dumbledore)

Dumbledore: Thank you. Now, I would like to commence the Hogwarts Staff Meeting to order. Firstly, does anyone have any new business?

Snape: I would like to say something. (stands up dramatically) I personally think that this coming year we should instill some kind of protection against all kinds of evil. Now, we have wards against Dark Magic, but we do not have wards against the more subtle forms of evil: Potter, cats, hamsters, fudge, Orange Juice with pulp, Potter, cellular phones, and Britney Spears.

Dumbledore: First of all, we have to let Mr. Potter into the school. Just because you hate him does not mean he will try to kill you.

McGonagall: Unlike you Snape. Did you forget the incident with the cracker and the bottle of firewhiskey?

Snape: (pointing at McGonagall) THOSE CHARGES WERE DROPPED THREE MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!

Dumbledore: Ok, shut up people! Thank you. Now, I do agree that we should put of some more wards, but not against Potter. Anymore business?

McGonagall: Yes! I do! Now, as you all know, I hail from Scotland- the home of plaid-and I was just wondering if we could start up some kind of bagpipe club? Hmm? Anyone?

Flitwick: Are bagpipes those freaky little things that sound like a goat being burned and slowly killed in a corn field in the middle of winter? If so, I completely object!

Dumbledore: Yes, I agree also. I can't stand the sound of those creepy little bastards.

McGonagall: Well! I can see no one here appreciates my music! (Sits down grumpily, and pouts)

Dumbledore: Now that that is settled, I would like to get on to our next piece of work. As you all know, the annual Hogwarts Staff Pie Making Competition is coming up, and I have decided to add a new rule: Sugared Peaches are not allowed into the competition!

Everyone: (groans loudly, protests)

Dumbledore: Now, I know many of you are very upset about this, but apparently some of our judges have been having some small side effects to the Sugared Peaches.

Hagrid: What kind of idiot is allergic to Sugared Peaches!? Everyone loves them!

Dumbledore: Well, you see, a few of the side effects were (looks at list) nausea, vomiting, excessive internal bleeding, and chapped lips. Umm, this happened to all of the judges.

Snape: Are you sure there wasn't just some kind of poisoned peach?

Flitwick: OOH! Try saying that five times fast! Poisoned peaches, poisoned peaches poisoned peaches! OOH! I did it!!

McGonagall: Filius, that was immature.

Flitwick: You're just jealous you don't have my mad Tongue Twister skills, yo.

McGonagall: I can say that! Poisoned peaches, poisoned peaches, poishened paches-blah! Shut up Filius!

Flitwick: (Looks smug)

Dumbledore: Anyway, on a lighter note, the new Hogwarts Pajamas have come in, and I, personally, am very happy with the result! (Pulls out pajama top)

Snape: Umm…Why is the Gryffindor part of the crest taking up half the shirt?

Dumbledore: (looks nervous) Oh, well, I thought that, we should um…be…true to the…with the…and see, this time…

McGonagall: I personally think it is absolutely wonderful!

Snape: I thought we were going to be all for inner house unity this year, and all that other crap. What happened to that?

Trelawney: (Popping out of the closet randomly) That was a bunch of hoo-wocky! Everyone knows people like Gryffindors the best!

Flitwick: She has got a point there. Snape, you should get over your childish prejudices.

Snape: You weren't even in Gryffindor. Weren't you Ravenclaw or something?

Flitwick: I am a true Gryffindor at heart! (Starts to look very angry)

Dumbledore: Now, now, Filius, don't you remember the last time you got a little to angry?

Flitwick: ONE TIME!!! ONE TIME, AND THEY LABLE YOU FOR LIFE!!!!

Dumbledore: OK, we're not changing the pajamas, end of story.

McGonagall: You know, this argument reminds me of a similar one I had when I was fifteen with my pet toad Skippy.

Trelawney: I never knew you had a pet toad named Skippy.

McGonagall: Oh, yes, Skippy was wonderful. He died a few years back. Tragic accident involving a canary, several bowl of popcorn, and one very angry drummer. Incredibly long story.

Everyone: (stares at McGonagall)

Trelawney: You know, I once read somewhere that toads dying with popcorn around was a sign of future death of the owner of said toad.

Snape: To you, everything is a death omen.

Trelawney: Not flowers! Or bunnies! Or little puppies…wait, scratch that last one.

Dumbledore: ALL OF YOU ARE GETTING MUCH TO DISTRACTED!!!!! We need to get back to business!!!! A few of the Hogwarts first years have made some wonderful limeade, and have asked us to try some, as they may give it to the house elves to put out for breakfast drinks (passes out cups of green liquid)

Snape: (sips some, then spits it out) ugh! This limeade tastes like mucus!!! 

Hagrid: (throws some into a plant behind him) You watch, that fern will be dead by nightfall.

Dumbledore: I thought it was delicious!

McGonagall: You also think muggle computers were a wonderful invention!

Dumbledore: They are! And that amazing thing called intramanet!! Brilliant!

McGonagall: The _internet_ is poisoning the youth of our country!

Dumbledore: Yes, but without it, people would not be able to do a multitude of wonderful things!

McGonagall: I can think of nothing that is wonderful about the internet.

Dumbledore: Well, for one, we wouldn't be able to have the new Hogwarts School Website!

Flitwick: YES! It has been wondrously designed by a few smart muggle-borns!

Dumbledore: Look! (shows McGonagall laptop with Hogwarts Website on it)

McGonagall: You do realize that muggles can-OH! Do we have games on this website?

Flitwick: (Quietly to Dumbledore) I knew that would get her. (smirks)

McGonagall: (Is distracted by Hogwarts Website Games Section)

Dumbledore: Now that _that _issue is settled, on to another important problem. It has come to my attention by a certain anonymous source that Hogwarts is infested with mice!

Music: (is dramatic)

Gasps: (come from everyone)

Snape: I thought Hogwarts had rats.

Flitwick: No. Rats are outside, mice are inside.

Snape: But what if a mouse goes outside? Does it become a rat? And if a rat, is inside the school, does it become a mouse?

Flitwick: I haven't seen any mice _outside _though, that's what I'm sayin'.

Snape: That's 'cause it's a rat, fool!

Flitwick: (looks thoughtful) Damn. You mighta just made a fact right there. That's some real shit.

Dumbledore: …(slowly) Thank you for that strange anatomy lesson, professors. But I think we should handle this problem with the utmost extremity. Mice are a very serious problem!

Hagrid: Couldn't we just disinfect the entire school?

McGonagall: (is now not distracted by the Hogwarts Game Sections) No. If we did that, then we would have to evacuate the entire the school for at least three weeks.

Hagrid: What could be so bad about that?

McGonagall: Hello? Who do you think would have to watch them the entire time? I'll tell you who. ME! And I can't be outside for more than an hour, or my freaky tight hair bun will come down, and look like crap.

McGonagall's Freakishly Tight Hair Bun: (Is insulted)

Snape: I suggest we round up all the mice, take them down to the dungeon, where a drunken Filch will hang them all by the ears on the disgustingly wet walls for hours until the mold and fungus overtakes their tiny little bodies like a mutant sea turtle.

Flitwick: (strokes German dictator beard) hmm…You know, it just might work!

McGonagall: I like it.

Dumbledore: Ok, so, Mice Problem solved. But, who would be stupid enough to go around and get all the mice out of the school?

Trelawney: I say we get that stupid bloody centaur. Thing could just go around picking them up with his _mind _like some kind of bloody psychic.

McGonagall: Sybil, I thought we talked about this? You are now sharing classes with Firenze.

Trelawney: Doesn't mean I can't hate the thing.

Dumbledore: Maybe we could instill the help of the house elves. Do you think they would help?

Flitwick: I guess we could.

Dumbledore: Wonderful! Now, to finish this meeting, I have one more important note: Some people have been complaining that they feel the pay for their teaching position is a little low. (looks pointedly at Snape)

Snape: What?

Dumbledore: I am sorry to say, but we cannot raise you pay, for all the funds need to go towards new magical cabinets. Apparently our old one was brutally attacked.

Trelawney: (Whistles and looks away)

Dumbledore: And, on that note, I now end the Hogwarts Monthly Staff Meeting. (Bangs gavel)

Everyone: (exits room)

_**A few minutes after everyone has left**_

Muggle Studies Teacher: (walks into Staff Room) Where is everyone? DAMN IT!! NO ONE EVER INFORMS ME OF THE MEETINGS!!!!


End file.
